Granny M Essentials

“Hey, if it worked for Roberto (Ali, Bachelorette-version)…”

Now I usually start my lead-in with something prettyunrelated to whatever I’m blogging about, instead choosing to waste ourcollective time with a story about me, that loosely ties me, with, in thiscase, The Bachelor. But I also avoid breaking the chronological progression ofthe show to tell that anecdote about me, but, just for this one time, let’sbreak tradition. With the chronological order thing. Not with talking about mething. So, the “big” event of the night, and probably the most teased segment ofthis season of the show, was the skinny dipping that took place, with UglyAlessandra Ambrosio and Ben “are you going to go full nude when you go in,”doffing their clothes for a jaunt in the Puerto Rican surf (and Ben,embarrassed, and embarrassingly, using his own hand as a banana hammock as hequickly broke the dreaded cold/warm groin plane). Yes, this will come as nosurprise when I say that I too have gone skinny dipping. So yes, out offear of someone seeing me naked (and with crippling fear of an alligator bitingoff my junk whilst doing so), I skinny dipped, in a pool, alone. No, I too amtalking about a Puerto Rican beach, where I skinny dipped once in the wee hoursof morning, for anyone living in the multiple apartment buildings in eyesightto see. Alone. With fear gripping me that a shark would bite my junk off. Andthat someone would steal my clothes. But mostly, fear of shrinkage. Because there iscertainly no delicate and graceful way to back out of an ocean after skinnydipping. To hide the dreaded shrinkage.

“Anyone who throws like a girl, put your hands up.”

So yes, although our circumstances differed, with Benletting it flap in the breeze and roll in the waves with a “model,” and me,skinny dipping alone, we both had, in the backs of our minds, shrinkage. Thankfullyfor Ben, Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio could really care less about shrinkage,because she is not after Ben’s junk, or his heart, but is solely after”winning.” This scene had me yelling at the TV, “why Ben, why.” Then I realizedthat he is a guy, and an opportunity to mush junk while skinny dipping with a”model” doesn’t come along very often. So I commend him. But still, I also worriedfor him. Especially on what had to be one of the worst walks of shame ever, ashe emerged from the ocean, with nowhere to hide. Well, he had nowhere to hide.Circumstances probably differed for ‘lil Ben. So in celebration of skinnydipping everywhere, let’s dive right in and do this blog clothes-free! “Skinnyblogging.” Yeah, I like it. And so do you!

Trust me, every Monday night, between the hours of 8 and 10, I feel your pain.

For the night’s first one-on-one date, with the divorcedTooth Fairy, the two took a helicopter from Vieques, into Old San Juan, where atorrential downpour occurred. Unable to find the actual commercial section ofthe city, only one block away from the residential area they were scramblingabout, looking for cover from the rain, the two’s date was almost over beforeit started, but Ben seemed kind of enamored with the Tooth Fairy, noting that”someone who can go with the flow is a turn-on.” So after the rain subsided,the two headed to a clothing store, to pick out some traditional “Puerto Rican”clothes, meaning the actual traditional “Puerto Rican tablecloth” dress for theTooth Fairy, whereas Ben started off fine by choosing a pretty nice white guayabera.And then paired it with white shoes, white pants, and a white Panama hat (in abit of foreshadowing). To say he looked like a tool, well, you already read thedescription of what he was wearing, so you can envision it in your mind. Thetwo eventually find a bench to watch an in-process wedding, where the brideliterally takes 20 minutes to make it from church steps to inside the church,and the two talk about their feelings, with Ben hoping for a “big wedding,” andthe Tooth Fairy hoping that her divorce doesn’t stigmatize her in Ben’s eyes,with Ben saying that “I think some people deserve 2nd chances,” towhich I agree. Ben sweetly admits that the Tooth Fairy is “a person I couldtravel with,” and what’s better than having someone who you love with you for alittle food, wine, travel and fun? By date’s end, Ben gives her the rose, thetwo kiss, and I go back to completely forgetting that the somewhat boring, andnon-threatening, Tooth Fairy is even on the show.

“I have seen A League of Their Own. And I loved it! And yes, you have to wear those shorts. It’s the uniform. For girls.”

With the date card saying that “Diamonds are a girl’s bestfriend,” the group date finds Ben, and nine of the girls, at Roberto ClementeStadium for a little béisbol. That’s baseball, in English (knowledge, dropped).After a bit of warming up, with a bunch of the girls stating how athletic theyare, and then, in a complete reversal from what usually happens when someonemakes a statement like that, prove that they actually are athletic, Chris Harrison came out and said that the girls would break intotwo teams, and play each other with the winning team getting to spend the nightwith Ben and the losers shunted away on a school bus for parts unknown. It’slike survival of the fittest, Bachelor-style. Meaning vapid girls wearing form-fitting short-shorts and baseball shirts competing for the love of a guy wholooks like a caveman. Oh, we’ve come a long way! With an odd number of girls,Ben had to choose one “switch-hitter” to play for each team (where’s Soap OperaVillainess when you need her), picking The Horse Whisperer as the game’smetaphorical pitcher and catcher. And then it was game-on, with Ugly AnneHathway/Elizabeth Berkley (who showed the best skills of all the girls, andlead to my jinx, no-talk backs with Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio, with both of usexclaiming “who knew strippers could play baseball”), Red, Michael Jackson andPunk Rock Teeth making up Team Blue (like, at this point, Ben’s own béisbols),and Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio, The Notebook and two girls who receive so littleairtime that you know aren’t going to be a factor in the show much more longer,playing for Team Red (like Ben’s loins, I unfortunately just imagined). I haveto admit, the game was filled with excitement, and wasprobably the most exciting baseball game I’ve watched in a year (my previousbaseball watching experience saw me spending umpteen hours watching my son’scoach-pitch games…), and with the game on the line, Ben, the game’s pitcher,struck out Red, for an extra-inning win by Team Blue. It was a dramatic win,which lead to the world’s most boring beach party ever! Even Ben was too tiredto give more than a “whatever” to Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio’s first attempt toget him to go skinny dipping.

The thrill of victory.

Now yes, I have gone onsome amazing dates in my life, but it’s that other person, the chemistry with that otherperson, that perfect fit, that makes a great date, not the where or the what.Sometimes, you just have that connection, and sometimes, well, sometimes youhave a date like this: When I was probably 15, my sister set me up for a date(that should’ve been a sign right there). And we went to the Fair (I know, sexytime, I mean, if it worked for the “Carnival of Souls” date for Brad andAshley…), and the date couldn’t have been more awkward if we tried. Thisgirl, who you don’t know, because she was from Canada, and I had zerochemistry, which was matched with about the zero words we said to one another.Now yes, I know, in my presence, words can suddenly betray you, but even myattempt at conversation and humor fell flat. As we sat, wordless, next to eachother in the horse arena, oh forget it, I mean, just read how sad that sounds. Thissomehow, even looking back now, seems like a better date than Ben’s secondone-on-one date of the night, this time with J (Not-)Wow. With J (Not-)Wowadmitting that she has “already accomplished everything she wanted to in life,”like “moving to Florida,” Ben proved that he could think with his head, and nothis other, well, what he would be thinking with, post-J (Not-)Wow date for a”nightcap” (say it twice Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio, because it only makes yousound stupider (stupider is a word, right?) with Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio,sending J (Not-)Wow away from their once-comical, now tragicomical beach dinnerin the Dingy of Shame. This made me wish, years ago, that the Dingy of Shamewas an option for my date.

And the agony of defeat.

So, with Ben down one girl, Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio made ither mission to get down with Ben, showing up, all bathrobed up, at his door,for a “nightcap” that included a bottle of wine. And a “bath.” And some lotion,for a “massage.” And a peek at her lingerie-clad boobs, which made Ben utterthe classic “oh, my.” Although Ben was “thinking” that “this probably isn’t agood idea” (see, shrinkage… told you so), the two threw their panties into thesand for a night of blurred out sex parts. With me hoping that a strongundertow would carry the two out to sea, well, nope, that’s all I got. Later,at the Cocktail Party, the producers did their best to set Ugly AlessandraAmbrosio up to tell all the girls about the couple’s wet-junk mushing, witheven Red asking, “If you had to pick a place to go skinny dipping, where wouldyou go?” (Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio: “Puerto Rico, in the moonlight.” Me:”Anywhere where an alligator or shark won’t eat my junk. In the moonlight.”),but Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio was “winning” by keeping her secret. After makinganother attempt to reveal Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio as the evil witch/serialkiller/just misunderstood beautiful woman she is, Michael Jackson seemed likethe obvious bootee for this week’s Rose Ceremony, but the honor actually befellRed, whose lack of chemistry with Ben was not counteracted by her being thebest kisser among the girls. And one of most dramatic, grasping her neck in thelimo, craning her neck to the heavens while pleading that she doesn’t diealone. Next week, the remaining nine girls and Ben take to “Central America’ssexiest city, Panama” (yeah, I had no idea either), for well, I don’t know, asecond opportunity for Ben to rock his all-white ensemble. And speaking ofclothing, I have to admit, “skinny blogging” is so freeing. Especially withoutthe worry of junk eating sharks. But well, the shrinkage? Yeah, still an issue.